My Ex Possesses My Favorite Artists

Instead of hearing Erykah Badu I’m now hearing the girl whose heart I broke. The same ghost takes form in SZA’s “Supermodel”, Cleo Sol’s “Promise”, and Drake’s “Jaded”. Often when a breakup adjacent song starts to play in my headphones, I immediately hit skip. I don’t want to be reminded of the music we used to share together, and I don’t want to imagine you now having something in common with the artists who’ve expressed time and time again the feeling of being betrayed by their lovers.

Yesterday I was walking to the dollar store to purchase some soap bars, and I figured I’d play some music to clear my mind. 10 minutes into the walk, “Green Eyes” starts to play. An amazing song, but this time Erykah Badu wasn’t singing for herself but for you. I’d never paid as close attention to the lyrics as I did on this trip. “Never knew that love could hurt like this” was a lyric but also something you told me in the moment. I let the entirety of the song play out, the 10 minutes feeling quick.

Drake’s “Jaded” used to be one of my favorite songs, but now it just feels like a reminder of how you must have felt. “Dragged me like two hours to your family’s house for what?” Hearing this line makes me wonder if you regret coming to South FL. I probably would. There are songs that tell it from the other perspective that I sometimes enjoy, but even those have remnants of you in them and can make me turn away. If I let my ears settle on them I’d be arguing a case that music predestined our futures but I don’t think that’s fully true. “Girl from the North Country” is a good one, the Bob x Cash version. You’re from the North so the connection was easy to make. Joan Baez’s “It Ain’t Me Babe” is also a favorite, but if I listen to it repeatedly my subconscious tells itself that it’s not meant for withstanding love and I know that’s not true. So I take it in bits.

I think I’m getting past it though. I know the feelings will always be there but that’s what writing is for. The other day I played a Cleo Sol song without skipping it for the first time in about a month. It was “Shine” the reggae joint, and I was washing dishes.

If time heals, then I think writing and listening to music are the painkillers.